BREAKING: Harper signs MEGA deal with Phillies per sources

The wait is over! Bryce Harper and the Philadelphia Phillies have finally come to terms on a deal!

This news comes directly from a third party who worked closely on the deal. Now, this third party may be difficult to find information on, but that’s only because they are apart of an up-and-coming sports agency based in Canada, and definitely not because they don’t exists.

I want to reassure everyone reading this that Bryce Harper is a Phillie and my source is for sure a totally real person that exists.

I was asked to remain discreet in terms of the identity of my source, but for those of you curious enough, we first met when we were kids at Summer camp. We only spoke once, and I think baseball may have come up at some point, but from that point on I knew I had a friend for life.

As soon as the Phillies and Harper first came to terms, my source was on the phone with me immediately. They told me, “Hey, it’s me, your source, I’m in Las Vegas with the Phillies and Bryce Harper right now. It’s a done deal and I’m totally a real person.”

While the deal is definitely done and Harper is without a doubt a Phillie, the details of the contract still remain cloudy. I asked my source to give me some type of a figure for the contract, but all they could tell me was that the deal is, “somewhere between five and 500 million.” So it looks like the Phillies may have gotten themselves a serious discount.

It remains to be seen if the Phillies will still be in pursuit of Manny Machado now that they’ve landed their white whale, but we can finally rest easy knowing that Bryce Harper is a Phillie and my source is totally real and I have friends.