The NFL draft is one of my favorite events of the entire year. Honestly, I might enjoy it even more than the actual season. There’s something about every prospect essentially being a complete unknown and some picks feeling like Super Bowl victories in their own way.
A team can go from bottom feeder to perennial title contender with the right draft class. Hell, a team can become a Super Bowl contender with just the right pick. The potential value of a draft pick is impossible to overstate because of what it could mean in both the short term and long term.
We could see a team walk away with a franchise altering haul this year. There are a lot of solid players at valuable positions in this year’s draft class and several rebuilding teams hold multiple first round picks. Could we see some major moves? I would like to thing so.
*Disclaimer, this is a mock draft of what I think teams will do, not based on who I believe are the best prospects
Without further ado, my 2020 NFL Mock draft:
#1. Cincinnati Bengals: Goku
After finishing the 2020 season with the worst record in football, the Cincinnati Bengals have an easy decision to make. Strength, speed, leadership skills, Goku checks all the boxes. He has died serval times in the past, but his intangibles are just too good to pass up. He’s as good of a first overall pick as we’ve seen in the past decade. The Bengals’ rebuild is off to a great start.
#2. Washington Redskins: McGruff the Crime Dog
This is a bit of a reach in my opinion, but it’s a pick that makes a lot of sense nonetheless. There’s a new coaching regime in D.C. and they’re going to need someone they can trust. McGruff is about as reliable as they come. He doesn’t have too much upside in terms of ceiling, but he should help take a bite out of Washington’s rebuild.
#3. Detroit Lions: The Iron Giant
There could be a lot of disappointed teams on draft day if the Lions decide to stay put. Their interest in trading back is well known, the only question is if anyone actually bites. If they stay put, the Iron Giant is an easy choice. He has size, speed, and is a literal weapon of mass destruction. The Lions are getting an actual threat here. He could potentially kill us all.
#4. New York Giants: Alf
Dave Gettleman gets his man, or rather, alien, as the Giants take Alf fourth overall. The Giants have a lot of issues to fix, but it looks like they won’t have to worry about start cats running onto the field again any time soon. Because Alf will eat them.
#5. Miami Dolphins: Meryl Streep
The three-time Oscar winner and 21-time nominee is taking her talents to South Beach. Streep is the exact type of talent a team like the Dolphins tanks for. She is by far the most decorated prospect in this draft class. The Dolphins set themselves up well with two first round picks still to go.
#6. LA Chargers: The Hamburgler
This is a worst-case draft scenario for the Chargers, but they still walk away with an intriguing prospect. The Hamburgler has obvious off the field problems stemming from his cheese burger related kleptomania, but he has some tantalizing upside. The Chargers already have a stacked secondary, but adding someone with the Hamburgler’s thievery skills makes them all the more exciting.
#7. Carolina Panthers: A poster of a Ferrari
After letting go of their head coach of eight seasons and former MVP quarterback, the Panthers are in clear need of a new identity. That’s why a Ferrari poster is perfect. It shows the Panthers are ready to usher in a new era predicated on speed. Plus the poster looks cool. Some people might think I’m crazy for this pick, but it makes perfect sense to me.
#8. Arizona Cardinals: Soda drink hat
The Cardinals used the first pick in last year’s draft to select eventual Rookie of the Year, Kyler Murray. Now their top priority should be making his life as easy as possible. With this pick, Murray can now drink two drinks at once while maintaining full mobility of both hands. This could really unlock the young QB’s potential.
#9. Jacksonville Jaguars: Princess Fiona
With their first pick in the first round, the Jags take a real swing for the fences. This is a pick with bust potential, but the upside is hard to ignore. Coming from the Swamp, Fiona is a real force to be reckoned with, but there have to be concerns about her potentially turning back into a human. I like the idea with this pick, but it’s risky.
#10. Cleveland Browns: Golden Girls DVD box set
Kevin Stefanski has his work cut out for him trying to clean up the mess Freddie Kitchens made of this team. The Golden Girls DVD box set would be help tremendously with that endeavor. It would take some of the pressure off of Baker Mayfield as the face of the franchise, while also give the team something to rally behind. The Browns could really turns things around next season and this pick would have a lot to do with it.
#11. New York Jets: Comedically oversized pencil
The Jets have been going through a bit of a rough patch. They might trade star safety Jamal Adams, they were fielding trade offers for Le’Veon Bell just months after signing him, Adam Game works there, the list goes on. Thats why a comedically oversized pencil would be a great fit. It would boost team moral and add hilarity to routine paper work.
#12. Las Vegas Raiders: Wax statue of Janet Jackson
The Raiders are officially making their move to Las Vegas and they’re going to need something to put butts in seats because Jon Gruden ain’t going to cut it. They’re in a new home and they need something to get the attention of new fans. I can’t think of anything more eye catching than a wax statue of Janet Jackson; Miss Jackson if you’re nasty. Fans and teammates alike will be able to take photos with the statue and build a real sense of community out in the desert. This could be the start of something big in Vegas.
#13. San Fransisco 49ers (via Indianapolis Colts): The robot from Interstellar
After falling just out of reach of the Lombardi Trophy, the 49ers seems to be going through a bit of a pseudo rebuild. They traded away All-Pro defensive lineman DeForest Buckner in exchange for this pick and more players may be on their way out as well. As a result, the Niners need to restock the cupboard. The robot from Interstellar should be able to help the team in the long and short term. This robot is massive, powerful, and hyper intelligent. If its snarky attitude doesn’t get in the way, this could be a contributor for the next decade. maybe even century.
#14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: 1997 Toyota Tercel
Reliability. Thats what this pick is all about. After going out and signing six-time Super Bowl Champ, Tom Brady, the Bucs don’t need to make the big splash play. That why they go out and get trustworthy new option for Brady, a 1997 Dodge Turcel. It may not be the most stylish, but is gets great gas milage and won’t burn a hole in your pocket. This is a little bit against Bruce Ariens’ style, but it just makes too much sense.
#15. Denver Broncos: A leather jacket
Drew Lock showed promise in limited starts at the end of last season. Now the Broncos must decide if they want to build around him. A leather jacket should be able to help answer that question. If he looks cool in the jacket, he’s their man. If not, that means you have to find more suited for a leather jacket. It’s the only way to win in today’s NFL.
#16. Atlanta Falcons: Glow-in-the-dark ceiling stars
The Falcon’s Super Bowl window is closing. Matt Ryan turns 35 next month while Julio Jones turns 32 in February. They would love to move up in the draft to get an instant impact player, but it’ll be difficult to make a trade without many assets. As a result, they use their pick to go high ceiling and start building for the future. I think Glow-in-the-dark ceiling stars has the highest potential ceiling of any prospect in this year’s draft class. It all really depends on where the Falcons decide to put them.
#17. Dallas Cowboys: The map to old-man Crockett’s treasure
The Cowboys have some money problems. They have very little cap space left after franchise tagging Dak Prescott and signing Ezekiel Elliot and Amari Cooper to new contracts. They still have to sign Prescott to a new deal and he has no plans of offering a team discount. That’s why the Cowboys are going to need as much money as they can get. Thought to be lost to the great Chicago fire of 1871, the map Old Man Crocket’s treasure is rumored to lead to untold riches beyond comprehension. The journey is said to be perilous and life threatening, but the reward is unparalleled. If Jerry Jones can survive the adventure, he just might be able to pay Dak.
#18. Miami Dolphins (via Pittsburgh Steelers): A big pitcher of margaritas
After landing a true star in Streep with their first pick, the Dolphins have the option to use one of their picks on a little bit of luxury. It was a long and arduous season for the Dolphins so a big pitcher of margaritas is exactly what they need. This way they can relax and let the board unfold as they prepare to use their and final first round pick.
#19. Las Vegas Raiders (via Chicago Bears): The color blue
This one could ruin a lot of draft boards. A lot of people might question this fit, but I think it could pay dividends. The Raiders have no clear need for the color blue, their colors and black and silver, but having it prevents other teams from using it. Any team that has blue in their uniform would potentially have to play butt naked any time they faced the Raiders. Vegas is looking like an early winner from this draft.
#20. Jacksonville Jaguars (via Los Angeles Rams): Cool Bugs Bunny
The Jags acquired this pick via the Jalen Ramsey trade and they still need to find his replacement. Cool Bugs Bunny is the perfect candidate. He has all the skills and versatility of regular Bugs Bunny, but he’s much cooler and wears chains and stuff. I know this one is a little unconventional, but I’ve got a good feeling about it.
#21. Philadelphia Eagles: Lightening McQueen
The Eagles need speed. Lightening McQueen is speed. Adding someone with McQueen speed would open things up for players all over the field. There are concerns over his hands – he doesn’t have any – but I think you take a chance on the guy’s speed and go from there. Philly fans rejoice.
#22. Minnesota Vikings: The ghost of Colonel Sanders
The Vikings lost offensive mastermind Kevin Stefanski and wide receiver Stefan Diggs this offseason, so they’re going to need something to spice up the offensive side of the ball. How about eleven herbs and spices? The ghost of Colonel Sanders comes with the wisdom of a sage and his ghostly intangibility makes him impossible to tackle in open space, or at all.
#23. New England Patriots: The cast of Cheers
After losing Tom Brady and trading away Rob Gronkowski, the Patriots are running out of familiar face. Thats why they’re looking to go where everyone knows their name. Coming from Boston, the cast of Cheers is already very familiar with the Patriots culture, meaning their transition to the NFL should be seamless. Ted Danson, Kelsey Grammar, Woody Harrelson and Shelley Long are going to be great fits in Foxborough.
#24. New Orleans Saints: Subscription to Better Home and Gardens
This pick will pay dividends on and off the field for the Saints. Drew Brees doesn’t have many years left in the NFL, so this pick is about sending him off in style. A subscription to Better Homes and Gardens would contribute immediately and help create a better looking Super Dome for years to come. Life after Brees might be a little cloudy, but at least it’ll look good.
#25. Minnesota Vikings (via Buffalo Bills): Groucho Marx glasses
The Vikings already solved a huge need with their first selection in the first round, the ghost of Colonel Sanders. Now they need to focus on the other side of the ball. After letting go of former All-Pro corner, Xavier Rhodes, the Vikings need some help on the outside. With a pair of Groucho Marx glasses, opposing receivers won’t be able to concentrate on catching the football because they’ll be laughing too much. This is a great haul for Minnesota.
#26. Miami Dolphins (via Houston Texans): Sonic the Hedgehog
Ryan Fitzpatrick led the Dolphins in rushing with 243 yards rushing. That’s really bad. Luckily, Sonic the Hedgehog loves to run and he’s great at it. The Blue Blur is the fastest thing on two-legs and would keep defensive coordinators up at night. Sonic, in addition to Meryl Streep and a big pitcher of margaritas, makes this a great draft haul for Miami.
#27. Seattle Seahawks: Holographic Charizard card
The Seahawks were Super Bowl contenders for a good chunk of last season until injuries and lack luster talent caught up with them. Seattle is in desperate need of some blue chip talent to help quarterback Russell Wilson, so they take the best prospect still on the board. It’s a miracle that Holographic Charizard card made it this far in the draft, but the Seahawks aren’t complaining. Currently valued at $4,000 on eBay, a Holographic Charizard card is exactly the trick to keep up in an ultra competitive NFC West.
#28. Baltimore Ravens: Chuck E. Cheese
The Ravens were one of the most fun teams to watch in football last year. MVP Lamar Jackson made it clear he’s the most electric player in football, but he needs more help on the outside. Chuck E. Cheese is all about fun and would be a great compliment to Hollywood Brown. There are concerns over his hands being covered in pizza grease, but his talent is hard to deny.
#29. Tennessee Titans: Count Chocula
The Titans were last season Cinderella Story. That went from bottom feeder to wild card team after switching to quarterback Ryan Tannehill, and then Derrick Henry put the team on his back and ran with it. They ultimately lost to the Kansas City Chiefs and their high powered passing game in the AFC Championship game. If the Titans want to be serious contenders, they’ll need help keeping up with the potent offenses of the AFC. Count Chocula should be a huge help in that area with a long wing span and the ability to fly down the field. His ability to turn into a bat also makes him an interesting option in blitz packages.
#30. Green Bay Packers: The letter “X”
Matt LeFluer’s first season in Green Bay was a complete success with the Packers reaching the NFC Championship game. While the Packers have a lot of things going for them, they several holes that need filling on their roster. That’s why they settle for the best player available, the letter “X”. I’m not sure where the fit would be, the Packers are much more of a “U” team to me, but they grabbed an interesting asset and they’ll figure out what to do with them later.
#31. San Fransisco 49ers: A mummy
With their first pick in the draft, the Niners took an impressive prospect in the robot from Interstellar. Now, they’re gonna take a little bit more of a risk. A mummy would be an intimidating force on defense with the potential to curse opposing teams. The only question is if he can adjust to like in San Fran and get over its fear of fire. Brendan Fraser is not going to be happy about this pick.
#32. Kansa City Chiefs: Big baby
It’s a really big baby.
Snowballs & Batteries 